2020/11/10 Diary (Can't believe it's November already)

 Today's morning was full of drama. Which means it started with a fight. 

I woke up at 8:20 a.m. which made me feel a lot better considering the fact that I had been waking up at 10 am for last 2 weeks since the midterm ended(after going to sleep at 3 a.m.). I didn't really have work today but I did have to borrow some books for my friend and myself, so I started getting ready to head off at 9. 

But then my mother suddenly hurled open the bathroom door where I was in and started yelling about how I still hadn't thrown away the empty plastic water bottles at my desk. Of course it was my fault; But I swear I'd only forgotten about it because I had to pull an all-nighter to do an assignment, and in no way did it on purpose to upset her. 

I normally would have said this to appease her but as everyone knows that no matter what the reason was behind your failure to clean up your room, it's just an excuse for your laziness in your parent's eyes. So I just kept quiet while she ranted, and then of course she then started talking about the REAL reasons why she was upset: My life after graduation. 

I'm not even surprised anymore. I mean I knew that she was getting antsy about it. Since my last semester began at September, in almost every conversation my family had she would deliberately mention this subject. It usually went something like this:

Me: Here, do you want to listen to a song while we are heading home?
My family: Sure! 
Me: (Plays a song)
My mother: Wow, this song is so good. You have great taste in music.
Me: Well, I'm glad you like - 
My mother (to my father): You know, I find it almost surprising. We thought she'd been doing nothing, but look at her! She's been listening to such good songs all by herself. I wonder what kind of great job she will - (almost inaudible). What? Oh, nothing. I said nothing. 

See, now this kind of conversation is just painful. You can obviously tell that it's the only thing in her mind whenever she looks at me. 

So back to present: I just sat there and listened with this dumb look on my face, like I don't get why she's so angry. You just know that whatever you will say (unless you confess that you had actually secretly gotten a job at Samsung and was keeping it secret for surprise), she will be mad. So when she stopped ranting about how I was only holding on to my academic studies, I said this while trying to look as dumb as possible: "Hey, I'm actually planning to get an English certificate this month. I'm studying for it asides my school work." 

"So what? What are you going to do with that certificate? What's your purpose? You have got to have a reason to win one!" 

I noted (unsurprisingly) that this failed to make her feel better at all. 

So I just got dressed real quick, and was at the door when she said: "Have your breakfast before you go at least!" 

Someone who's been in this situation would know that it's much wiser to avoid having meals with your family when they are angry or emotional. So I said:"Don'tworryIWillHaveLunchAsSoonAsIGetThereBye" and left just as she started another rant with: "Great! So you wake up right before you leave so that you can't even have breakfast, why are you so lazy? Can't you wake up and take a jog in the morning or something and be an early bird for the first time in your life?"

No can do, mom. 

I guess I was kind of bummed out by this fight because when I stepped out, I really wanted to have a smoke to avoid being too upset with it. So I did, and it actually did make me feel better. 

And now as I am writing this post I am starting to wonder if she's having one of her midlife sessions. Because for the last few days she started talking about her friend taking appetite suppressant and how she had successfully lost weight and looks great. What concerned me was the fact that she always made sure to mention this, very pointedly, WHENEVER we were having a daily conversation. And then she would take a short pause to see how we would react to it. I usually just left it at that and went to my room or something, but one time I had to say it: "Mom, it's not healthy. It has serious side-effects. You just literally said she had some nasty side-effects as well. It's nothing to admire." To which my mom replied: "But still." 

Um. Still what? I actually think she expected me to say: "Wow, that's amazing. You know, I think we all should take those as well. I think we are all goddamn too overweight.(Which is not true, by the way)" 

Wow, just thinking about where this is headed stresses me out.